Projects.

I enjoy crocheting, it's just what I do. You can laugh all you want and tell I appear to be grandma-ishh. I can tell you to suck it(: I started a scarf last week that my lazy ass has finished so I'm working on it now. Well not directly now since I'm typing but you get the picture. I finally have an address again for John so I'm hoping to send out some more letters on Friday. I feel I should write either a long one of a few short one's since there's only like..two. Yeah..I've been writing in the book and working on it. Which reminds me! I need to write in the book(: I'm expecting pictures in a few weeks. Probably the second week of November. I haven't decided if I'm going to go to the second possible session. I really don't have the money. Maybe I'll just save it for spring time. Haha maybe a gift for April. Things have been pretty much resolved. I don't feel so crappy as I did. First day in a few days I've regularly eaten and I about threw up my dinner cause I ate too much. Peachy visual huh? Ran into an my old boss Cari today. Hoping I'll get to work with her again cleaning stalls. I miss the horses. Also looking into interning at Chaffin Farms up in Oroville working with the livestock. If you're never been there, GO. It's beautiful. They have about 2000 acres of land. On this they raise various organic crops and livestock. They are most known for their broiler chickens and 40+ varieties of orchard crops. They use a different form of fertilization and such mainly with their livestock. Cattle, goats and chickens browse through the orchards which allows the livestock to grow off organic grass as well as naturally fertilize the plants. Nifty eh? I'm still pretty back and forth on majors. Farms and ranches with livestock are really where my heart lies..but I hate Chemistry with a passion. I'm just hoping to pass with a C. Maybe if Chemistry two is easier in a sort I'll take it. But I still need to take organic Chemistry as well as Physics..nope definitely not doing that. Guess it's ECE for me! Kids are awesome anyhow. Preschool will be nice to teach. Not to mention there isn't too much to do to get your degree. And if you're under K-12 you don't have to do preliminary work just to get your damn license. All in all, I'm pretty excited for next semester. Things are looking up..maybe I'll finally finish up my room this weekend haha. Or at least sort out some sort of project. Maybe plant some winter crops. I need to service my car too..geez stuff just never ends. Well, at least for once I don't have any homework pending due tomorrow. I can actually relax tonight.
And John..I love you. You better remember that. I can't wait for you to come home. Despite what I said, I'd do anything to be with you. And I know you may second guess it, but I'm being honest here. Forever&&always still stands. There are a number of songs, all country, that always remind me of you or us.. Here are some of them:

Brad Paisley "She's Everything"
Eric Church "Love Your Love The Most"
Dierks Bentley "Come A Little Closer"
Keith Urban "Only You Can Love Me This Way"
Martina McBride "I Love You"
Rascal Flatts "Take Me There"
Zac Brown Band "Got Whatever It Is"

I listen to these pretty regularly during the day..each reminds me. Just can't wait for you to be here. My impatience is at an all time high. We've got ten more months to go. If you ever get some time..maybe listen to these or just read the lyrics. You're everything to me John. I'm waitin' for you to come home. I love you. Now, tomorrow and everyday. Yesterday the day before and the day you came home. It's not changin' just believe that..

I hope you still love me.

I've officially hit rock bottom. Not eating, hardly sleeping. Feeling sick. I'm an idiot still. I've said I was sorry..I just hope you still wanna be together. I've never regretted anything more in my life. I don't know what to do..

Stupidity.

As intelligent as I am you'd think I'd be smart enough to think about what I'm about to say, but sadly I'm a reactive person who doesn't think before she talks and I am sorry..I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. Why should I bother to say anything at all when I don't say anything right? Every time a situation comes up where I don't like it I feel as though I push you away and I don't wanna do that. I know I'm trying to be more accepting of things but I'm a damn rock. I'm slow ok? I know I said a lot of wrong things in that long message..quite frankly I reread it a few times and was appalled at myself for even writing it. I'm an idiot..what else is there to say?

Crap.

So I must say right now I feel like utter crap. I've got a killer headache. Cramps. Fuck my life right now, this isn't cool. On top of that, I really miss John. What the hell..I need to talk to him before I stress myself out anymore than I have. Tylenol isn't kicking in fast enough. I just wanna go to sleep. Damndamndamn. I miss my boyfriend..I don't want to work tomorrow. Got those pictures Sunday. I need to write John's letters..

Day 61.

I need a phone call.

I am going to die.

Not literally of course but of excitement. I may be entering into an amazing horse training opportunity local to where I live where I will have my own stable full of horses to work on my own at my time on 20 acres of land with a 12 stall barn complete with saddling/grooming area and partially covered arena. That was a run on sentence haha. I'm so excited! This could open up an amazing opportunity for me in my horse training. I'd be able to have my own clientel at my own stable. This could mean extra money for me. The lady is super nice and favors female entrepreneurs as she is one herself. I'm stoked!
John sent me messages via IM this morning at 3:30am. Scared the shit outta me, not gunna lie. Not to mention I was dead asleep at the time. But I love that boy and I could care less what time of day he contacted me. Then he went comment happy on my pictures on MySpace. Crazy how, he's so far away but still gives me this tingly feeling and still makes me blush in embarrassment. And he's even the reason for the smile on my face right now as I'm writing this. I love you John(:

How do I..?

How do I tell you how I feel when I can't even contact you when I feel it..? I need to talk to you.

Body kits.

I've been mulling over the idea of putting a body kit on my car..I think it'd look sickk if it had one. What do you think? And some nice graphics, maybe pin-striping. Hmm. Kit costs $500 though. I don't really have that kinda money:/ John, Christmas present(: yes? Haha. Got new tires on the car today, new brakes tomorrow. Might have it detailed since the inside looks really gross to me. John needs to call me now. Love you baby!(:

I want this: http://www.customautotrim.com/bodykits/extreme-dimensions/mercury/cougar/1999-2002/110661/

And this in red: http://www.customautotrim.com/graphics/tribal/gk395/

Buy it! Please?!?!

Horse!

I might be gettin one:DDD eff yeahh!

He's everything I ever wanted.

I love Brad Paisley. He has wonderful songs. And my boyfriend needs to come home. I'm in the process of filling a composition book to send to him the next time I can send him a letter or a package. I really hope he gets the letters I sent before:/ I'll be livid if he doesn't. Damn mail.
I got a new car(: 1999 Mercury Cougar. It's silver. Pretty nice car..although I woulda preferred to have that black Mitsubishi Eclipse. That car was sick as fuck. I want to move already. Be with John. Iraq can suck it.
Hmm, going to cosmetology school next semester I believe. Then work on getting my certification in being a preschool teacher. I love you baby(: I'm still sittin' here waitin' for you to come home.

Honesty.

If I said that I was ok, I was lying.
If I gave you the impression I was strong, I'm sorry you were fooled.
If I keep repeating "it wont be like this for long," it's likely I don't believe it.
If I tell you I'm ok when you think I'm not, chances are you're right.
If you feel the need to ask me "what's wrong?," more likely than not, something is.
If I tell you I haven't cried lately, chances are I am right now.
If I tell you I want you home and you say "why?," I'll say because I said so.
If I tell you "because I said so," most likely it translates to: because I love you.
If I tell you I miss you, I hope you feel it.
If I tell you I need you, I hope you understand it.
If I tell you I love you, you better remember it.

It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.
Why is this taking so damn long?
It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.

The truth is, I will do anything to be there for you, be with you, be beside you and love you. And no, these last 52 days haven't been great, wonderful, amazing or grand by any means. Really? They have fucking sucked. I'm not a strong person and really right now I'm not even ok. I miss you all the time. Sometimes it impedes more into my school life. I stop concentrating, stop focusing and start thinking. All in all, I haven't been 100% ok. I do my best to hide it because I know it's hard for you too. But I've found I cry a hell of a lot more. I hate the words: Army, Iraq, Afghanistan and Military. I think I've cried more in the last 52 days than in the last 6 months. But I try to be strong for you. Because it is really an obligation as the Army girlfriend. And yes on my list of importance you rank first next to my family because you are part of my family and have been since you came home. And yes, school is important but is second best to you. I'm sure there are times you've missed on the phone how upset I've been since you deployed because once again I'm trying to be strong and personally failing miserably. And yes, when I say I want you home and you say I know..it doesn't make things any easier. I know you wanna be home too. I don't know how hard it is for you being so far away but then again you can't understand my point of view either..we can only find common ground at I love you, I miss you, I wish you were home (or I wish I was home). And I was entirely honest when I said telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breathe. I worry about you all the time, it's my job, what I do and I'd feel wrong if I didn't so PLEASE, do NOT, tell me not to worry. And right now I'm just in bed wishing you were here to hold me while I slept..and since you're not I probably wont be getting much sleep at all. I miss you calling me babe..even if it was just over the phone or even if it was just typed. I really miss it. And I know you'll read this blog and you're probably going to feel bad about leaving but don't. It's your job, you're duty and if I remember correctly you wanted to go while at the same time not wanting to leave. I guess this is something I need to grow used to since it wont be the last time. And it wont get easier. I will never fully accept you being away, even if I may grow accustomed to it.
All in all, I guess I'm getting at this: I love you. I miss you. I want you to come home. Don't feel bad, I'm always here, even if I may not be the strongest Army girlfriend out there.

John would you please:

Buy me a horse? I promise I'll love you forever and ever and ever(: Please, please, please, please, please?! I mean look at that horse over there..it's gorgeous..and not mine. How sad!
You should buy me one:DD cause you love me.

Photo credit: http://oldpost.deviantart.com/

Day 46.

I should be sleeping, I know this. I found my debit card..in my boots. Random. John just called. You have no idea how much I miss his voice. Especially now that it's really all I have other than messages and messages are not as good as phone calls. He just needs to come home. Now. Really, he does. Because my bed is meant for more than one person and he definitely needs to be in itso I can actually sleep and not just toss and turn all night inevitably entangling myself in blankets to the point where I can't get out.
This year just needs to be done with. And I still hate Chemistry. I just want my boyfriend. I feel he is more than that though..they should invent a word that's more than boyfriend, less than husband but not really fiance (no ring here). Fiance is just a funny word to be honest. What do you call him? Not-boyfriend-but-not-really-husband-either-but-not-even-fiance-no-ring? That'd just be crappy. The hell if I know when there's going to be a ring. CECILY GALLION KNOWS..I wanna know..this just isn't fair. I'm dying of impatience. I need a horse.
FUCK.
John just come home right now. 10 1/2 more months..I think.

5678.

Of course Cec(:

Yellow.

It's been kinda a hectic couple of days involving a friend and her backstabbing family. She may be moving in with my family. I've also been demolishing my room..literally. I'm going to paint one of my walls a bright yellow(: it's going to be amazing. John called yesterday morning. It was a good conversation. I wish he was home tonight, I miss him a lot. And tonight is a night when I really feel I need him to fall asleep with. School's going ok, dropping comparative politics. I need to work on my essay for group discussion but not much is really going on. I'm probably going to have a yard sale next week to get rid of a lot of stuff from my room (I have a lot). I need to write John a few more letters to send off Monday. I also..need to find my debit card. It seems to have disappeared on me in the wake of my messy room.