YES!

Aww, I got a call from John today(: I talked to him the day before on messenger. He put in for his midtour leave. If it goes through, he'll be home for Christmas! Yay(: I'm so relieved. Seems he may be moving around on the 11th but that could change. It may be a few months before I even get an address to send him care packages or letter:/ bummer! I hope it doesn't take that long because I'd like to send him some holiday packages. Ohhh I can't wait till Christmas! School's going well aside from having three hours of Chemistry lab twice a week:/ it sucks. But everything is going good(:

I love that kid.

So I finally got a call today(: I have never been so relieved and happy at the same time. You never realize how much you miss someone until you hear their voice on the other end of the phone. I love him so much..honestly can say that I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. It's going to be a long year but I'm lucky I have wonderful friends and a school year to pursue to keep me busy. He's in Iraq, but he doesn't know if it's going to be a permanent camp or not. Probably find out in a couple of weeks. But, I'm going to go work on a few letters for him.

Day five.

I'm trying my best to hang in there but I'm feeling a bit of a depression creeping in. It's been five days now since I've had a call from him. I don't even know how I dealt with JRTC. I miss him so much and I'm starting to feel some irritation and annoyance. He sent me a message on MySpace saying he would call later that day..and well, let's just say that didn't happen. I've all but given up. I don't expect a phone call tonight..maybe not even tomorrow. I guess this is just how it goes. And I'm not ok with it but I know it's not his fault. I would die to hear his voice right now.

Three damn days.

WTF. EFF MY LIFE.
It's been three days. I'm going insane.
Babe..call me):

This could be described.

So I guess today is day one. He left for Iraq about 3:30am EST. That's 12:30 my time. He called me about 2:50am PST to tell me he loved me and that he was in layover from Maine to Germany. Needless to say I was very tired at the time. I know I've said before that this isn't easy. But I feel ok right now. I just don't when I get on the phone with him. That's why I stress to stay busy because if I just sit and do nothing but think about him, I cry and I don't want to keep doing that.
I got a call this morning about 11am my time from him. He was in Germany and had a few mins to call. Two hour layover and then he'd be on his way to Iraq. That made my stomach sink a little.
This is reality.
There isn't any other way to describe it other than regardless of how I feel about it, it's going to happen and I have to just find a way to deal with it. So tonight I'm having a little pity party with a few friends who's boyfriend's are already deployed and then Friday..I'm getting back to reality. Back to myself. I know that if I keep dwelling on this that I'm just going to go into a depression and with school around the corner, I cannot afford to have a lack of concentration.
My advice for others dealing with this? Focus on your life and try not to dwell on deployment.

This is how it feels.

So, today marks near day one. He's supposed to leave for Iraq anywhere between 12-1:30 PST time (he's EST). I never thought it would hit me so hard to have our last phone call. That it's indefinite the next time I will speak to him. That I will never ever be able to call him or text him. I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I can't even describe this feeling I have in my stomach. It's just sick and vile and I know that I will never grow used to it.
Maybe in a months time, things will not be so bad, he'll be more settled and I'll be able to talk to him more regularly but right now I can only find myself thinking about tonight, tomorrow and the next few days. It doesn't seem so long but when you grow used to talking to someone on a daily basis at all times..when that is broken, it is the worst thing to feel.
I know I told you all that as it grew closer I found myself searching "How to deal with deployment?" And I'm telling you, it's a good idea to if you're a first-timer. I can't have all the answers by any means. I will tell you this: I feel like holing up in my room and crying my eyes out. I have little desire to do anything but think about him. But I know after Thursday I need to begin to focus on other things to keep me busy. I will make these key points:

• Friends and family are key. I cannot stress this more and it also helps to have friends or family around you who know exactly what you're going through. I'm blessed to have two who are experiencing the same situation.
• If you go to school, focus. It helps.
• If you work, get as many hours as you can, but please don't overdo. Just enjoy your work as busy time to keep your mind busy.
  

There are endless possibilities as to what you can do, don't limit yourself and don't be afraid to think about him/her. I know for a fact that this is hard, I've been told and now I'm going through it but I cannot tell you how much it is worth it in the end.

Drinking.

I have a very specific reason why I HATE when he drinks but I wont go into detail. And yeah, it's his last days here but it doesn't mean I have to approve of him drinking, EVER. I try to not be disappointed and irritated but after that last time it's hard. And this sick feeling is beginning to creep up on me.
It's horrible, it's hideous and I hate it.
It makes my chest hurt. My stomach ache. And I feel a serious depression. I wanna cry. Oh wait, I already have..and he's not even gone yet. It's just not fair..really it's not but yet I have to acknowledge the fact that I can't do anything and neither can he. It hurts to have him go. But to be optimistic, the faster he leaves, the faster he comes home. I still don't understand this, how to deal with it..There are times when I don't want to talk to him and at the same time I do. Because I love him but I just get so morbidly sad that it's not fair for him to talk to me this way.
Like right now for instance. I'm in this sick mood and part of me wants to just not even bother for conversation..because all I want to do is hole up in a blanket and cry.
But I'm supposed to be strong. And he may not think I need to be at this point, but everything in me says I should. Because he shouldn't have to see me this way..ever. It's not fair.
Not fair.
Not fair.
Not fair.
FML.

Mm. Change.

So it seems his deployment has changed to the 20th. It hasn't hit me entirely yet that he's leaving. I'm pretty sure it will that final phone call we have where I will undoubtedly cry my eyes out begging him not to go. And of course..he will feel like ABSOLUTE CRAP. FML. Yeah..this definitely is going to suck. I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself. I'm so used to constant contact. Those days after when I don't know when I'll talk to him..I mean what the hell am I supposed to do? Nobody prepares you for this kind of stuff. I found a song I haven't heard in awhile today that entirely explained my feelings for him. Edwin McCain "I Could Not Ask For More" I'm sure you all have heard it. Talented artist. His other song "I'll Be" is great too.

It gets odd when I just look at things and go into a sort of daze where I start thinking about him. Bad enough he's on the other side of the States. Worse off he'll be on an entirely different continent by weeks end. I guess what makes that harder is communication. It wont be all day..all the time. It'll be whenever he's allowed and has time. Then there's the fact that no..he can't come home when he would like. I mean, no, he can't when he'd like right now but at least he's closer. I don't even possibly know how to explain that. 2800 miles is hard enough. Now add an entire ocean and then some.
This is horrible.

5 days.

Working downtown has its perks, get to meet a lot of people from your town. They tend to come in saying, "Hi, my name is _______." Then I tell them my name and their prompt response is what's your last name? When I respond...they assume I'm related to his family and that family...yeah definitely not. I wasn't even born here.
But of course where there are perks, there are downfalls. Where I'm from, the town is small. Less than six thousand people. And we're sandwiched in between two 50,000+ population cities as well as an hour from the capital. not many know about our town...in fact when I say I live there, they say "Where??" Yeah, not surprising in the least.
So as you can imagine in our slow economy, not much happens downtown. It's relatively quiet. Code for: boring. I mean yeah, I like the small town setting. It's nice and quiet but to each his own. Working a boring job doesn't help either. 10am-5:30pm every Thursday, With nothing to do but think, eat and hope people walk in and buy overly-priced items. Sometimes I'm lucky and people will come in and browse (maybe buy) or friends will come in and keep me company for a short time. But most days are spent sitting in a chair listening to classical music...thinking.
And here comes the problem: in these fragile last few days before he leaves, thinking and being along is the last thing I want. What seemed surreal and so far away is now at my doorstep pestering for a way in...constantly reminding me that in five days time he'll be on a plane to Iraq. And I'll be home...feeling an all bit lost for a little while. But I guess this is to be expected. I mean I entered into this relationship informed that in a few months time he would be gone for a 12-month tour to Iraq. And I thought about it but not so much as I do now. And the closer it got the more nervous I became.
I found myself doing research. "How do you deal with deployment?" How do you deal with something you will never grow used to? How will you ever prepare yourself? And at such a young age when I'm only just beginning to find myself, I'm approached with a situation that many in their later years can't even fathom. And when people ask and I tell them my boyfriend is in the U.S. Army deploying to Iraq they look at me in such pity and say, "I'm so sorry," like I may just crumple right there about my situation.
What reaction can I give them other than, "I'm proud of what he's doing. I can't wait for him to come home." I don't want to be pitied for a conscious decision I made and stepped into. Don't get me wrong there are nights where I lay awake and break down. And he hasn't even left yet. But this situation isn't easy and I don't expect it to be.