Pfft..right.

Honey I'm not begging for you back. Wtfever.

No money = no money.

Navy.

Lemoore Naval Air Station is one hell of a four hour drive. But it was worth it(:

The butterflies fly away.

I guess you weren't so hard to get over after all. Misery's gone. You want your stuff?

You can pick it up when you come home.

At this point.

Things are interesting now I suppose. Strange when you realize it was all never worth your time of day.

Brandin' steers today.
Yeahh bitch(:

Bye

I'm not blogging anymore.

Dear John.

To start,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that yes, I want to be married to you. And I'm sorry that our point of views are not the same. I'm sorry you feel that everytime you get online I'm trying to poke at you with something.

It's not my intention.

These last few weeks have probably been the most stressful weeks I have faced. I thought it was bad enough when you left back to North Carolina and deployed to Iraq. I was wrong. I think something I do need to understand is that we still need room to grow. Things I am certain of is that I wholeheartedly want to be with you. I always do. I know you think getting married next year is too early..well ok. I wont argue with you. And that's why I had nothing to say this morning. I will agree with you. But that's just not how I feel. I've been ready to settle down for a long time and I'm sorry I can't exactly say you are right. I just have a different opinion.

But that doesn't change how I feel. I love you..and I will wait for you to be ready. Please know that. I do have some things I want to ask of you...

Don't spare my feelings. If you want to say something to me, say how it is, don't sugar coat it on my behalf because I'm your girlfriend and you love me. You're doing more harm than good. Be honest. Don't make promises you can't keep. You said a lot of things before you left to Iraq that were supposed to happen next year, that now, are likely to not. Just hope for the best. You've gotten better at that part.

When we have an argument..don't just get pissed off and leave the conversation. That doesn't solve a damn thing. It just makes it worse. It makes me think, gee, what else are you going to walk out on? Besides..I'm usually the one admitting I'm wrong. Even if there may be a time or two I definitely feel like I'm not. But I don't want to continue to argue and I just want you to say you love me and let it be.

Yes, I want you to tell me things. I want you to call me more than you send me IMs. Phone calls mean more to me than talking to you via internet. And don't make the "I don't know what to talk about" excuse. So what if it's the same thing everyday. I could care less. Hearing your voice is what matters to me.

This entire letter is about honesty. And I think I've been very honest. I'm telling you how I feel, to the bone. I will wait for you to be ready. I will love you as I always have. Always will. I wanna be with you.

You just come home to me. That's all I ask.

I love you John always&&forever,

Meagan

I have nothing to say.

I know your opinion now..

Thank you for walking out on our conversation.

What else are you gunna walk out on?

Thank you for the bad day, I APPRECIATE IT.

Yeah, I LOVE YOU TOO.

Fine.

I don't find it fair to just all of a sudden be yelled at by my own parents when I made a comment about something my mother was doing. You aren't suppose to put lighter fluid on an open flame. PERIOD. You can cause an explosion. But no, instead I was just fully yelled at and called an idiot. FOR SAYING SOMETHING RELEVANT AND TRUE. I give up. When the lighter fluid explodes in your face, I will fucking say I told you fucking so. And I will come unglued if either my mom or dad calls me an idiot again.

I'm tired.

I miss John. I'm tired. I have homework. I wanna sleep. It's almost December.

Tough.

I want to read this book, watch this movie but..I don't think I can bring myself to.

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810045894/info

This one.

http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product1|10101|10001|-1|990544708|15051|15051.15057.15108

That's the one I want.

I didn't ask you to tell me.

Because I didn't want to know. All I wanted to do was give you another option to consider, which you didn't even consider. I know I question a lot but when you talk about volunteering to redeploy, I don't know what else to do. I don't want you to. I want you to be home. But I feel you wanna be there. You worry about money too much. People who tend to worry about money a lot tend to also make excuses when making decisions..because of money. Why can't you just have faith in we'll be just fine? I can..
Getting married next year isn't a bad idea..we can even do it in Alaska.

I've been thinking.

I have this idea. Cec thought it could be an option..hopefully you wont shoot it down. Seeing as you're entirely sure you wanna marry me. You have to be open to the idea I suppose. And I don't think it's a bad one. I'm hopeful. All you have to do is listen..we need to have a serious discussion.

I give up.

I guess I'm waiting two years.

I'm compromising something I want most.

I give up.

I hope you feel "we" are ready in two years..

Veteran's Day.

It's Veteran's Day. And I haven't heard from John. I saw my recruiter and Sgt. Nelson at the college. He was trying to convince me to climb the rock wall. I'm a sucker for heights. I told him bring it to my house and I will. I think he's going to Friday haha. I talked to Sgt. Morlang about John's pondering thoughts on volunteering to redeploy. He said be mean(: SGT. GAVE ME PERMISSION!

Proud of you John. Everyday.

Maybe.

I guess this is all I can say, "John you know I love you and support you in whatever you do. If you choose to volunteer for redeployment, I'll be behind you for 100%..but it sure would be nice to have that year with you." It's your choice.

Pros vs Cons. part two.

Recently you mentioned volunteering to redeploy..and I quite honestly don't know what to say. It's almost like, there isn't anything to say. To me it could easily, quite easily, translate to me that you don't want to be home. I don't really understand..still don't. Why choose to be gone when you were just gone for an entire year? And for what?
The Army should hardly play a role in our relationship yet it does. I feel like I'm fighting to be most important half the time. And the other half of the time..it doesn't matter. I've already lost that fight. I shouldn't have to compete for attention..I suppose it's not your fault. It's your job right? Comes with the job? You don't know how badly you upset/irritated me with that. "Comes with the job." Probably one of the crappiest things you could've said to me..

A lot of the things we talked about, the things I hoped for seem to grow more and more distant as the day goes. From I might not be home for Christmas, to I might volunteer to redeploy, to next year you might not be able to move, to I might have an extension on my deployment..it doesn't stop does it? Empty things that were said when you said, "it's not gunna happen." And I said, "you don't know that." But no, you said it wouldn't happen. I knew better. I mean c'mon? I have a mom from the Army too. Friends. I know how this goes. Nothing's "promised."
Sometimes I feel like you're just telling me a half-truth. Trying to keep me happy because you know these things upset me, but at least you would be being honest. What else gets pushed back? More us? I have a feeling it's never gunna end. And maybe it's my impatience..but still it's a fear, and it's there.
I can see a lot of sorrys..and maybe next year. Tell me I'm wrong.

"Today, he told her that he loved her, put a ring around her finger and promised her forever, together. Today, she smiled for the pictures..he was right there with her."

Pros vs Cons. part one

Remember back when you had to write persuasive essays and you had to make that damn list of pros and cons? And usually whichever side you took tended to have more pros (or cons if you chose that)? Then as you grew older the pro/con list became a part of life. Or should have. Where each situation should have been evaluated with a list of pros and cons. Wish I could say I utilize that method, but I don't. I tend to be the type that dives head first without a thought.
In these first few months of deployment I've had a fair share of doubts..and I've felt that my mind is slightly more wrapped around this situation. But with it..the doubts became real. The promises grew distant and what I was told before has in an essence..changed. And being told that it's something I have to get used to doesn't initially fly with me. I shouldn't HAVE to get used to anything. But maybe that's a selfish thought? I chose this. I should be able to deal with it. But quite honestly I just wanna push it aside like a piece of paper to procrastinate upon. Life isn't so easy to brush to the side. I'm this type of person. Quite honestly I'd rather avoid conflict and pretend it never happened. I've learned that it's not easy to do that, nor right on my part or to the person I'm avoiding the conflict with. This is why it's harder for me to say what's wrong..why I much rather say nothing than honestly say what's bothering me. Sometimes this is because I'm afraid of what you're thinking. How you'll take it..or maybe it'd just spark an argument I don't want to get into. I told you I'd work on it, and I have to the best of my ability but asking someone to change what is so deeply ingrained isn't so easy. In fact, it's like changing a lifestyle.

For tomorrow.

I'm very, very tired..I'll be posting a new blog post tomorrow that's going to be a little in depth and probably long but I'm too tired to write it now. It's about..life I suppose, mine really. And all it's gross complications. Some of you might like it..but I'm sure there will be some who will take it the wrong way or just not enjoy it. What can I say? Can't please everyone..
Night!

Just something random.

I was just rather moved by the fact that a friend just pointed out to me that I could get married if I wanted..that's just weird. I'm old enough to get married, to vote, to sign a legit contract, buying cigarettes (gross)..WHOA. I wanna get married..

Just musing.

I think I keep up more with this than I do writing John's letters..crazy. It came to mind today..what do I really want?

• Be happy
• Have a family

That's really what I want most out of life. But I wanna share my happiness with John. I wanna have my family with John..and I hope it doesn't take so long as I'm thinking it is. Regardless, I love him. With everything I have.

PSSSSSSST: I want this please John?

I don't understand.

I've been becoming rather irritated at a vast amount of things lately. Things I thought would never have bothered me, do. I don't understand this. Maybe it's the stress of my life situation, maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe it's recent events? One thing has remained consistent I suppose, I love John and I wanna be with him. Lack of a timeline to tell me when things are going to happen is scary. Maybe it's that..I'm not used to this "unknown." That today..could be so significantly different than tomorrow? I'm at a loss. If today is different than tomorrow, then how different is today from next year the same time? One more year grown up. One more year of experience. Then knowing the things I want..or should do..or whatever?
If I could make a list..no, maybe not if..no particular order, well maybe as to the exception of number one and two of course.

• John
  
• John to come home.
• Have my Pharmacy Tech license
• For once, lie in the same bed as John. "so i can rest my head right here on your shoulder, i just wanna lay here and feel ya breathe, listen to the rhythm of your heartbeat"
• Have that "feeling"
• Learn the true meaning of "financial stability"
• Be ok with the "when we're financially stable" argument
• When do you even know you're financially stable? What if you always worry about money? Then..you always make an excuse for a situation. Where's that go?
• Go to bed, every night, in your arms
• Wake up to you with a smile every morning, like it's supposed to be
• Tell the Army they can SUCK IT
  
• Discover my purpose in life
• Make someone else's, animal or person, life..better
• I want a snowflake necklace...seriously
• Learn the difference between the things I should worry about and the things I shouldn't
• Come out of my shell [shut up, I try (love you(:)]
• Be an Ag teacher!
• To see you get down on one knee and ask
• Be satisfied
• Get a chocolate lab puppy(: please?
• To be on your page (just do it)
• Learn the entire bone structure of the horse
• Know what lameness looks like
• Adopt a wild horse
• Have a home together (what I want most)
• HAVE AN IPHONE!(:
• Grow a garden (successfully)
• I want this (well maybe not specifically but something similar)
  

This is it so far..

I don't fucking know.

I'm pissed. End of story.

Screw you.

I've just about had with my parents telling me what to do..I want to be in Ag Science. STOP TELLING ME I CAN'T. It's what I have a passion for. It's what I want to do with my life. Stop yelling at me. I've had it ok? There is NO REASON for you to sit there and yell at me to the point of tears. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Halloween.

Halloween was fun. A friend and I went to a party and hung out. But when you're me, you get tired. So I crashed about 10:30 last night. And it's clearly too early in the morning and I'm about to catch another hour or so of sleep. Worked on the project..and I'm sending John's letters tomorrow. I have to work in two hours. LAME. Two more days and it's seven months. Ten more months of deployment to go..geez it just needs to be over. December's a month away. Omg, I'm excited(: I hope you come home then. I love you John, come home soon! Peaceee.