It's a week till Christmas.

Ohmygod(: I'm so excited. I can't waitttttt. Finished all my finals. Off for five weeks. Yeahhh(: this is great. Now back to the gym all winter break:/ maybe get some runnning in. I'ma lazy ass..I know.

I really shouldn't care.

And I don't think I will. Be as you want. I'm not gunna be tolerable to your shit(:

It's December.

Actually..it's been December for about 12 days now. Anyhow, next semester I'm going to a new college. In fact..I may be getting a new job as well. For now it's looking like I only have to drive one day. Which works for me. Less gas I have to use. I've been thinking a lot lately about many things. It's beginning to get on my nerves as to how much I do think.

I hate driving.

It's as simple as that. I need to hurry up and get my degree in Pharmacy Tech. That way I can move and buy the car I want. I want an iPhone damn it:/

Can you be friends with your ex?

Just thinking.

I don't think two months ago I could've ever quite thought things would be as they are. But I guess that's what they mean when they tell you to not plan too far ahead and to not think things are forever. Being with John made me realize a lot of things. Made me think about someone else for a change other than myself. But I suppose it didn't take till this new relationship to realize how rather young, forward and..selfish I can still be. It's only natural for humans to be selfish. Caring, understanding and unselfishness are not given qualities are not born. They are learned. I'm still learning as I found today. As much as I hope for a future with someone, I have to be reserved. Not only for their sake but for my own. I will admit..it's not so bad as I thought it would be. I've never been a fan of taking things day by day although the near eight months I spent with John should've taught me more. I spend a lot of my time thinking now..picking my words more carefully. And trying not to bring up certain topics. I don't know where boundaries are..and that's kinda scary to me. I'm only a person. I'm not perfect. And in fact..most of the time I don't know how to say the right thing..or grasp that I shouldn't have said anything at all. I can't blame my age..only my experience. Every mistake is a learning process..and I'm still learning.

Pfft..right.

Honey I'm not begging for you back. Wtfever.

No money = no money.

Navy.

Lemoore Naval Air Station is one hell of a four hour drive. But it was worth it(:

The butterflies fly away.

I guess you weren't so hard to get over after all. Misery's gone. You want your stuff?

You can pick it up when you come home.

At this point.

Things are interesting now I suppose. Strange when you realize it was all never worth your time of day.

Brandin' steers today.
Yeahh bitch(:

Bye

I'm not blogging anymore.

Dear John.

To start,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that yes, I want to be married to you. And I'm sorry that our point of views are not the same. I'm sorry you feel that everytime you get online I'm trying to poke at you with something.

It's not my intention.

These last few weeks have probably been the most stressful weeks I have faced. I thought it was bad enough when you left back to North Carolina and deployed to Iraq. I was wrong. I think something I do need to understand is that we still need room to grow. Things I am certain of is that I wholeheartedly want to be with you. I always do. I know you think getting married next year is too early..well ok. I wont argue with you. And that's why I had nothing to say this morning. I will agree with you. But that's just not how I feel. I've been ready to settle down for a long time and I'm sorry I can't exactly say you are right. I just have a different opinion.

But that doesn't change how I feel. I love you..and I will wait for you to be ready. Please know that. I do have some things I want to ask of you...

Don't spare my feelings. If you want to say something to me, say how it is, don't sugar coat it on my behalf because I'm your girlfriend and you love me. You're doing more harm than good. Be honest. Don't make promises you can't keep. You said a lot of things before you left to Iraq that were supposed to happen next year, that now, are likely to not. Just hope for the best. You've gotten better at that part.

When we have an argument..don't just get pissed off and leave the conversation. That doesn't solve a damn thing. It just makes it worse. It makes me think, gee, what else are you going to walk out on? Besides..I'm usually the one admitting I'm wrong. Even if there may be a time or two I definitely feel like I'm not. But I don't want to continue to argue and I just want you to say you love me and let it be.

Yes, I want you to tell me things. I want you to call me more than you send me IMs. Phone calls mean more to me than talking to you via internet. And don't make the "I don't know what to talk about" excuse. So what if it's the same thing everyday. I could care less. Hearing your voice is what matters to me.

This entire letter is about honesty. And I think I've been very honest. I'm telling you how I feel, to the bone. I will wait for you to be ready. I will love you as I always have. Always will. I wanna be with you.

You just come home to me. That's all I ask.

I love you John always&&forever,

Meagan

I have nothing to say.

I know your opinion now..

Thank you for walking out on our conversation.

What else are you gunna walk out on?

Thank you for the bad day, I APPRECIATE IT.

Yeah, I LOVE YOU TOO.

Fine.

I don't find it fair to just all of a sudden be yelled at by my own parents when I made a comment about something my mother was doing. You aren't suppose to put lighter fluid on an open flame. PERIOD. You can cause an explosion. But no, instead I was just fully yelled at and called an idiot. FOR SAYING SOMETHING RELEVANT AND TRUE. I give up. When the lighter fluid explodes in your face, I will fucking say I told you fucking so. And I will come unglued if either my mom or dad calls me an idiot again.

I'm tired.

I miss John. I'm tired. I have homework. I wanna sleep. It's almost December.

Tough.

I want to read this book, watch this movie but..I don't think I can bring myself to.

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810045894/info

This one.

http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product1|10101|10001|-1|990544708|15051|15051.15057.15108

That's the one I want.

I didn't ask you to tell me.

Because I didn't want to know. All I wanted to do was give you another option to consider, which you didn't even consider. I know I question a lot but when you talk about volunteering to redeploy, I don't know what else to do. I don't want you to. I want you to be home. But I feel you wanna be there. You worry about money too much. People who tend to worry about money a lot tend to also make excuses when making decisions..because of money. Why can't you just have faith in we'll be just fine? I can..
Getting married next year isn't a bad idea..we can even do it in Alaska.

I've been thinking.

I have this idea. Cec thought it could be an option..hopefully you wont shoot it down. Seeing as you're entirely sure you wanna marry me. You have to be open to the idea I suppose. And I don't think it's a bad one. I'm hopeful. All you have to do is listen..we need to have a serious discussion.

I give up.

I guess I'm waiting two years.

I'm compromising something I want most.

I give up.

I hope you feel "we" are ready in two years..

Veteran's Day.

It's Veteran's Day. And I haven't heard from John. I saw my recruiter and Sgt. Nelson at the college. He was trying to convince me to climb the rock wall. I'm a sucker for heights. I told him bring it to my house and I will. I think he's going to Friday haha. I talked to Sgt. Morlang about John's pondering thoughts on volunteering to redeploy. He said be mean(: SGT. GAVE ME PERMISSION!

Proud of you John. Everyday.

Maybe.

I guess this is all I can say, "John you know I love you and support you in whatever you do. If you choose to volunteer for redeployment, I'll be behind you for 100%..but it sure would be nice to have that year with you." It's your choice.

Pros vs Cons. part two.

Recently you mentioned volunteering to redeploy..and I quite honestly don't know what to say. It's almost like, there isn't anything to say. To me it could easily, quite easily, translate to me that you don't want to be home. I don't really understand..still don't. Why choose to be gone when you were just gone for an entire year? And for what?
The Army should hardly play a role in our relationship yet it does. I feel like I'm fighting to be most important half the time. And the other half of the time..it doesn't matter. I've already lost that fight. I shouldn't have to compete for attention..I suppose it's not your fault. It's your job right? Comes with the job? You don't know how badly you upset/irritated me with that. "Comes with the job." Probably one of the crappiest things you could've said to me..

A lot of the things we talked about, the things I hoped for seem to grow more and more distant as the day goes. From I might not be home for Christmas, to I might volunteer to redeploy, to next year you might not be able to move, to I might have an extension on my deployment..it doesn't stop does it? Empty things that were said when you said, "it's not gunna happen." And I said, "you don't know that." But no, you said it wouldn't happen. I knew better. I mean c'mon? I have a mom from the Army too. Friends. I know how this goes. Nothing's "promised."
Sometimes I feel like you're just telling me a half-truth. Trying to keep me happy because you know these things upset me, but at least you would be being honest. What else gets pushed back? More us? I have a feeling it's never gunna end. And maybe it's my impatience..but still it's a fear, and it's there.
I can see a lot of sorrys..and maybe next year. Tell me I'm wrong.

"Today, he told her that he loved her, put a ring around her finger and promised her forever, together. Today, she smiled for the pictures..he was right there with her."

Pros vs Cons. part one

Remember back when you had to write persuasive essays and you had to make that damn list of pros and cons? And usually whichever side you took tended to have more pros (or cons if you chose that)? Then as you grew older the pro/con list became a part of life. Or should have. Where each situation should have been evaluated with a list of pros and cons. Wish I could say I utilize that method, but I don't. I tend to be the type that dives head first without a thought.
In these first few months of deployment I've had a fair share of doubts..and I've felt that my mind is slightly more wrapped around this situation. But with it..the doubts became real. The promises grew distant and what I was told before has in an essence..changed. And being told that it's something I have to get used to doesn't initially fly with me. I shouldn't HAVE to get used to anything. But maybe that's a selfish thought? I chose this. I should be able to deal with it. But quite honestly I just wanna push it aside like a piece of paper to procrastinate upon. Life isn't so easy to brush to the side. I'm this type of person. Quite honestly I'd rather avoid conflict and pretend it never happened. I've learned that it's not easy to do that, nor right on my part or to the person I'm avoiding the conflict with. This is why it's harder for me to say what's wrong..why I much rather say nothing than honestly say what's bothering me. Sometimes this is because I'm afraid of what you're thinking. How you'll take it..or maybe it'd just spark an argument I don't want to get into. I told you I'd work on it, and I have to the best of my ability but asking someone to change what is so deeply ingrained isn't so easy. In fact, it's like changing a lifestyle.

For tomorrow.

I'm very, very tired..I'll be posting a new blog post tomorrow that's going to be a little in depth and probably long but I'm too tired to write it now. It's about..life I suppose, mine really. And all it's gross complications. Some of you might like it..but I'm sure there will be some who will take it the wrong way or just not enjoy it. What can I say? Can't please everyone..
Night!

Just something random.

I was just rather moved by the fact that a friend just pointed out to me that I could get married if I wanted..that's just weird. I'm old enough to get married, to vote, to sign a legit contract, buying cigarettes (gross)..WHOA. I wanna get married..

Just musing.

I think I keep up more with this than I do writing John's letters..crazy. It came to mind today..what do I really want?

• Be happy
• Have a family

That's really what I want most out of life. But I wanna share my happiness with John. I wanna have my family with John..and I hope it doesn't take so long as I'm thinking it is. Regardless, I love him. With everything I have.

PSSSSSSST: I want this please John?

I don't understand.

I've been becoming rather irritated at a vast amount of things lately. Things I thought would never have bothered me, do. I don't understand this. Maybe it's the stress of my life situation, maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe it's recent events? One thing has remained consistent I suppose, I love John and I wanna be with him. Lack of a timeline to tell me when things are going to happen is scary. Maybe it's that..I'm not used to this "unknown." That today..could be so significantly different than tomorrow? I'm at a loss. If today is different than tomorrow, then how different is today from next year the same time? One more year grown up. One more year of experience. Then knowing the things I want..or should do..or whatever?
If I could make a list..no, maybe not if..no particular order, well maybe as to the exception of number one and two of course.

• John
  
• John to come home.
• Have my Pharmacy Tech license
• For once, lie in the same bed as John. "so i can rest my head right here on your shoulder, i just wanna lay here and feel ya breathe, listen to the rhythm of your heartbeat"
• Have that "feeling"
• Learn the true meaning of "financial stability"
• Be ok with the "when we're financially stable" argument
• When do you even know you're financially stable? What if you always worry about money? Then..you always make an excuse for a situation. Where's that go?
• Go to bed, every night, in your arms
• Wake up to you with a smile every morning, like it's supposed to be
• Tell the Army they can SUCK IT
  
• Discover my purpose in life
• Make someone else's, animal or person, life..better
• I want a snowflake necklace...seriously
• Learn the difference between the things I should worry about and the things I shouldn't
• Come out of my shell [shut up, I try (love you(:)]
• Be an Ag teacher!
• To see you get down on one knee and ask
• Be satisfied
• Get a chocolate lab puppy(: please?
• To be on your page (just do it)
• Learn the entire bone structure of the horse
• Know what lameness looks like
• Adopt a wild horse
• Have a home together (what I want most)
• HAVE AN IPHONE!(:
• Grow a garden (successfully)
• I want this (well maybe not specifically but something similar)
  

This is it so far..

I don't fucking know.

I'm pissed. End of story.

Screw you.

I've just about had with my parents telling me what to do..I want to be in Ag Science. STOP TELLING ME I CAN'T. It's what I have a passion for. It's what I want to do with my life. Stop yelling at me. I've had it ok? There is NO REASON for you to sit there and yell at me to the point of tears. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Halloween.

Halloween was fun. A friend and I went to a party and hung out. But when you're me, you get tired. So I crashed about 10:30 last night. And it's clearly too early in the morning and I'm about to catch another hour or so of sleep. Worked on the project..and I'm sending John's letters tomorrow. I have to work in two hours. LAME. Two more days and it's seven months. Ten more months of deployment to go..geez it just needs to be over. December's a month away. Omg, I'm excited(: I hope you come home then. I love you John, come home soon! Peaceee.

Projects.

I enjoy crocheting, it's just what I do. You can laugh all you want and tell I appear to be grandma-ishh. I can tell you to suck it(: I started a scarf last week that my lazy ass has finished so I'm working on it now. Well not directly now since I'm typing but you get the picture. I finally have an address again for John so I'm hoping to send out some more letters on Friday. I feel I should write either a long one of a few short one's since there's only like..two. Yeah..I've been writing in the book and working on it. Which reminds me! I need to write in the book(: I'm expecting pictures in a few weeks. Probably the second week of November. I haven't decided if I'm going to go to the second possible session. I really don't have the money. Maybe I'll just save it for spring time. Haha maybe a gift for April. Things have been pretty much resolved. I don't feel so crappy as I did. First day in a few days I've regularly eaten and I about threw up my dinner cause I ate too much. Peachy visual huh? Ran into an my old boss Cari today. Hoping I'll get to work with her again cleaning stalls. I miss the horses. Also looking into interning at Chaffin Farms up in Oroville working with the livestock. If you're never been there, GO. It's beautiful. They have about 2000 acres of land. On this they raise various organic crops and livestock. They are most known for their broiler chickens and 40+ varieties of orchard crops. They use a different form of fertilization and such mainly with their livestock. Cattle, goats and chickens browse through the orchards which allows the livestock to grow off organic grass as well as naturally fertilize the plants. Nifty eh? I'm still pretty back and forth on majors. Farms and ranches with livestock are really where my heart lies..but I hate Chemistry with a passion. I'm just hoping to pass with a C. Maybe if Chemistry two is easier in a sort I'll take it. But I still need to take organic Chemistry as well as Physics..nope definitely not doing that. Guess it's ECE for me! Kids are awesome anyhow. Preschool will be nice to teach. Not to mention there isn't too much to do to get your degree. And if you're under K-12 you don't have to do preliminary work just to get your damn license. All in all, I'm pretty excited for next semester. Things are looking up..maybe I'll finally finish up my room this weekend haha. Or at least sort out some sort of project. Maybe plant some winter crops. I need to service my car too..geez stuff just never ends. Well, at least for once I don't have any homework pending due tomorrow. I can actually relax tonight.
And John..I love you. You better remember that. I can't wait for you to come home. Despite what I said, I'd do anything to be with you. And I know you may second guess it, but I'm being honest here. Forever&&always still stands. There are a number of songs, all country, that always remind me of you or us.. Here are some of them:

Brad Paisley "She's Everything"
Eric Church "Love Your Love The Most"
Dierks Bentley "Come A Little Closer"
Keith Urban "Only You Can Love Me This Way"
Martina McBride "I Love You"
Rascal Flatts "Take Me There"
Zac Brown Band "Got Whatever It Is"

I listen to these pretty regularly during the day..each reminds me. Just can't wait for you to be here. My impatience is at an all time high. We've got ten more months to go. If you ever get some time..maybe listen to these or just read the lyrics. You're everything to me John. I'm waitin' for you to come home. I love you. Now, tomorrow and everyday. Yesterday the day before and the day you came home. It's not changin' just believe that..

I hope you still love me.

I've officially hit rock bottom. Not eating, hardly sleeping. Feeling sick. I'm an idiot still. I've said I was sorry..I just hope you still wanna be together. I've never regretted anything more in my life. I don't know what to do..

Stupidity.

As intelligent as I am you'd think I'd be smart enough to think about what I'm about to say, but sadly I'm a reactive person who doesn't think before she talks and I am sorry..I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. Why should I bother to say anything at all when I don't say anything right? Every time a situation comes up where I don't like it I feel as though I push you away and I don't wanna do that. I know I'm trying to be more accepting of things but I'm a damn rock. I'm slow ok? I know I said a lot of wrong things in that long message..quite frankly I reread it a few times and was appalled at myself for even writing it. I'm an idiot..what else is there to say?

Crap.

So I must say right now I feel like utter crap. I've got a killer headache. Cramps. Fuck my life right now, this isn't cool. On top of that, I really miss John. What the hell..I need to talk to him before I stress myself out anymore than I have. Tylenol isn't kicking in fast enough. I just wanna go to sleep. Damndamndamn. I miss my boyfriend..I don't want to work tomorrow. Got those pictures Sunday. I need to write John's letters..

Day 61.

I need a phone call.

I am going to die.

Not literally of course but of excitement. I may be entering into an amazing horse training opportunity local to where I live where I will have my own stable full of horses to work on my own at my time on 20 acres of land with a 12 stall barn complete with saddling/grooming area and partially covered arena. That was a run on sentence haha. I'm so excited! This could open up an amazing opportunity for me in my horse training. I'd be able to have my own clientel at my own stable. This could mean extra money for me. The lady is super nice and favors female entrepreneurs as she is one herself. I'm stoked!
John sent me messages via IM this morning at 3:30am. Scared the shit outta me, not gunna lie. Not to mention I was dead asleep at the time. But I love that boy and I could care less what time of day he contacted me. Then he went comment happy on my pictures on MySpace. Crazy how, he's so far away but still gives me this tingly feeling and still makes me blush in embarrassment. And he's even the reason for the smile on my face right now as I'm writing this. I love you John(:

How do I..?

How do I tell you how I feel when I can't even contact you when I feel it..? I need to talk to you.

Body kits.

I've been mulling over the idea of putting a body kit on my car..I think it'd look sickk if it had one. What do you think? And some nice graphics, maybe pin-striping. Hmm. Kit costs $500 though. I don't really have that kinda money:/ John, Christmas present(: yes? Haha. Got new tires on the car today, new brakes tomorrow. Might have it detailed since the inside looks really gross to me. John needs to call me now. Love you baby!(:

I want this: http://www.customautotrim.com/bodykits/extreme-dimensions/mercury/cougar/1999-2002/110661/

And this in red: http://www.customautotrim.com/graphics/tribal/gk395/

Buy it! Please?!?!

Horse!

I might be gettin one:DDD eff yeahh!

He's everything I ever wanted.

I love Brad Paisley. He has wonderful songs. And my boyfriend needs to come home. I'm in the process of filling a composition book to send to him the next time I can send him a letter or a package. I really hope he gets the letters I sent before:/ I'll be livid if he doesn't. Damn mail.
I got a new car(: 1999 Mercury Cougar. It's silver. Pretty nice car..although I woulda preferred to have that black Mitsubishi Eclipse. That car was sick as fuck. I want to move already. Be with John. Iraq can suck it.
Hmm, going to cosmetology school next semester I believe. Then work on getting my certification in being a preschool teacher. I love you baby(: I'm still sittin' here waitin' for you to come home.

Honesty.

If I said that I was ok, I was lying.
If I gave you the impression I was strong, I'm sorry you were fooled.
If I keep repeating "it wont be like this for long," it's likely I don't believe it.
If I tell you I'm ok when you think I'm not, chances are you're right.
If you feel the need to ask me "what's wrong?," more likely than not, something is.
If I tell you I haven't cried lately, chances are I am right now.
If I tell you I want you home and you say "why?," I'll say because I said so.
If I tell you "because I said so," most likely it translates to: because I love you.
If I tell you I miss you, I hope you feel it.
If I tell you I need you, I hope you understand it.
If I tell you I love you, you better remember it.

It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.
Why is this taking so damn long?
It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.
It wont be like this for long.

The truth is, I will do anything to be there for you, be with you, be beside you and love you. And no, these last 52 days haven't been great, wonderful, amazing or grand by any means. Really? They have fucking sucked. I'm not a strong person and really right now I'm not even ok. I miss you all the time. Sometimes it impedes more into my school life. I stop concentrating, stop focusing and start thinking. All in all, I haven't been 100% ok. I do my best to hide it because I know it's hard for you too. But I've found I cry a hell of a lot more. I hate the words: Army, Iraq, Afghanistan and Military. I think I've cried more in the last 52 days than in the last 6 months. But I try to be strong for you. Because it is really an obligation as the Army girlfriend. And yes on my list of importance you rank first next to my family because you are part of my family and have been since you came home. And yes, school is important but is second best to you. I'm sure there are times you've missed on the phone how upset I've been since you deployed because once again I'm trying to be strong and personally failing miserably. And yes, when I say I want you home and you say I know..it doesn't make things any easier. I know you wanna be home too. I don't know how hard it is for you being so far away but then again you can't understand my point of view either..we can only find common ground at I love you, I miss you, I wish you were home (or I wish I was home). And I was entirely honest when I said telling me not to worry is like telling me not to breathe. I worry about you all the time, it's my job, what I do and I'd feel wrong if I didn't so PLEASE, do NOT, tell me not to worry. And right now I'm just in bed wishing you were here to hold me while I slept..and since you're not I probably wont be getting much sleep at all. I miss you calling me babe..even if it was just over the phone or even if it was just typed. I really miss it. And I know you'll read this blog and you're probably going to feel bad about leaving but don't. It's your job, you're duty and if I remember correctly you wanted to go while at the same time not wanting to leave. I guess this is something I need to grow used to since it wont be the last time. And it wont get easier. I will never fully accept you being away, even if I may grow accustomed to it.
All in all, I guess I'm getting at this: I love you. I miss you. I want you to come home. Don't feel bad, I'm always here, even if I may not be the strongest Army girlfriend out there.

John would you please:

Buy me a horse? I promise I'll love you forever and ever and ever(: Please, please, please, please, please?! I mean look at that horse over there..it's gorgeous..and not mine. How sad!
You should buy me one:DD cause you love me.

Photo credit: http://oldpost.deviantart.com/

Day 46.

I should be sleeping, I know this. I found my debit card..in my boots. Random. John just called. You have no idea how much I miss his voice. Especially now that it's really all I have other than messages and messages are not as good as phone calls. He just needs to come home. Now. Really, he does. Because my bed is meant for more than one person and he definitely needs to be in itso I can actually sleep and not just toss and turn all night inevitably entangling myself in blankets to the point where I can't get out.
This year just needs to be done with. And I still hate Chemistry. I just want my boyfriend. I feel he is more than that though..they should invent a word that's more than boyfriend, less than husband but not really fiance (no ring here). Fiance is just a funny word to be honest. What do you call him? Not-boyfriend-but-not-really-husband-either-but-not-even-fiance-no-ring? That'd just be crappy. The hell if I know when there's going to be a ring. CECILY GALLION KNOWS..I wanna know..this just isn't fair. I'm dying of impatience. I need a horse.
FUCK.
John just come home right now. 10 1/2 more months..I think.

5678.

Of course Cec(:

Yellow.

It's been kinda a hectic couple of days involving a friend and her backstabbing family. She may be moving in with my family. I've also been demolishing my room..literally. I'm going to paint one of my walls a bright yellow(: it's going to be amazing. John called yesterday morning. It was a good conversation. I wish he was home tonight, I miss him a lot. And tonight is a night when I really feel I need him to fall asleep with. School's going ok, dropping comparative politics. I need to work on my essay for group discussion but not much is really going on. I'm probably going to have a yard sale next week to get rid of a lot of stuff from my room (I have a lot). I need to write John a few more letters to send off Monday. I also..need to find my debit card. It seems to have disappeared on me in the wake of my messy room.

Home is where I want him.

Today was ok, didn't hear from John when I really wanted to. Especially after yesterday. As much as he upset me..I just want him home. I love that boy with all I have and would give anything to be with him. I hope he knows that. I know it's been a bad couple of days..but I'm patient, I try to understand. I know it's tough being thousands of miles away from home, but I'm always here. I'm always willing to listen and comfort and of course tell you I love you. I'm letting this one slide in hopes that there wont be another bad situation like that. I don't want to argue with him on deployment, it's not ok considering I know things are hard for him. But I don't want him to be in a cranky ass mood either and be a jerk (YEAH, I said JERK, cause you know you were bein' one!).
I love him.

Could be worse.

So..it's been a crappy couple of days. I talked to John and was pissed, he sent me flowers, then I felt bad. Then today..well had a bad phone conversation. It never ends does it? I guess I should learn to deal with it..

Still very upset.

This is my first time experiencing this but I really am upset about it..I mean the least he could've done was to have said hello. I haven't heard from him since Monday. I'm so upset that I just want to cry. This is gay (no pun intended, I'm very irritated). I mean there are of course a few options..he could have thought that he was going to get to the phone's after and just couldn't, could have got online..and just didn't say anything or he could be on blackout. I'm annoyed beyond means..and maybe I shouldn't be but I really am and I can't help it. Fuck everything right now..

I'm more than upset.

He logged on and didn't even send me a message..I'm pissed. VERY VERY VERY PISSED.

It's almost here.

The six month mark for John and I is just around the corner (like next week). This is just a quick blog. Not much is going on. Haven't heard from John much and it's hotter than hell outside. I'm sweating so grossly I don't even care anymore..well that's cause I'm in workout clothes but ANYHOW. So I'm about to go endure a long running workout. I'm gunna die but it's worth it! Health is important and my health isn't the best. Besides..December's in three months(: I wanna be gorgeous. Other than that I just have a shit ton of homework to do. And a system's theory paper to work on.

AT&T can kiss my ass.

So our bill statement popped up today for this last phone period and said that we used 4000 minutes and that 2000 of them were mine. I know for a FACT that's bullshit and I'm more than a little irritated. I hate AT&T and they just charged us a $540 bill. I have a feeling it's from John calling and that really pisses me off considering my boyfriend PAYS to call me. I shouldn't have to be CHARGED to receive the call. He's doing his country a service. Fuck AT&T. Apparently you haven't heard of the US MILITARY SERVICE serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. They shouldn't even have to pay to call home. And this isn't really the first time AT&T has fucked us on a bill that was not our fault due to some rule about policy change and bullshit. Honestly, AT&T can die. I hate it even if it has a decent plan and nice phones.
Other than AT&T being a huge pain in the ass..I haven't heard from John today. I miss him. Hope he calls soon.

I just noticed this..but this is the 11th post of September so it says September (11) in the sideline for other posts..creepy:/ haha.

He's coming home!

Yes..my excitement went through the roof this morning when John called at five and said I'll be home for Christmas. Omgomgomg. I love that boy. I can't wait for him to be here(:! So..I'm actually on my lunch break. I have to go back in like 15mins and I'm probably selling my truck today for $2500 which I think isn't too bad considering how old it is. But Toyota's hold value pretty well. I wont be getting a car for awhile which means I'll be stuck on the bus or carpooling. Which is fine, it saves me in gas. Not to mention..I can now go buy some winter clothes with about $200. Maybe I'll do that today. Today has officially been a month since John's deployment or at least what I consider the first day since he left on it. We've almost been together six months..I honestly can't believe it seeing as he is my longest relationship. John's an amazing person..the sweetest and nicest boy I've ever been with. He's driven and determined to be his best and to make our life together better than he would say his was. If I could list the reasons why I'm with John I think that this would fall into the number one spot. And two being that he's willing to accept me for who I am. The random often difficult and physically unable to walk a straight line on flat ground without tripping girl. I would never pass a sobriety test..sober. Sad. Three being that he has this awesome personality, funny and serious when needed. And a smile to die for. Not to mention..he is pretty sexy haha. There are really too many things to list about John that I love. I love everything about him..even the most irritating things, which there aren't really many. Well..I guess one. Drinking. that's most annoying. Other than that..not really anything. He doesn't drink too often anymore anyhow. There really isn't anything not to like. He's amazing.

Phone calls.

Seems John is getting into the habit of calling me at three o' clock in the morning. Not that I'm complaining but DAMN THAT'S EARLY. He called today. Man..I miss him. Not much is really going on. He still has his Guard shifts so I know just about when he'll call. It's still pretty sporadic but not as much as before. Today's a cleaning day I suppose. The house is a disaster. Not surprising when I'm gone for the night. I might write some more letters today to send out next week. I need to find more Ampad blue paper:/ and Walmart doesn't have it anymore. That's really upsetting. I like my blue paper. It's amazing. This is a lot of homes: clicky really. As you can tell North Carolina is a hell of a lot cheaper than California. I talked to John about me coming out to NC when he gets back from deployment and we could check out some homes. Don't know if he went for that. Sometimes I wonder..he reassures me that this is what he wants but I guess, I always have my doubts because it's reality. People change in a year. I guarantee I will. For better I believe. Maybe I think too much? That's likely. I'm a really difficult person I suppose. Often on guard and closed off. There was a point when I knew it bothered John so much that I thought he'd say he couldn't do this. I hope it never gets to that. I should just be more open. Of anyone, I should be most comfortable with him and I don't believe it's about comfort. It's just how I am. I don't like to talk about my problems. Should probably work on it. I probably wont be getting a call or anything until tomorrow. I got both a call and some messenger time. Which John said he wanted to get a Bronco which personally I think isn't a wise decision. We're better off with a Honda that at least can get the gas mileage. But how do I say that? I can't tell him no..it's his money that he's earning on deployment but I just don't think it's a good decision for a car. I mean for one, gas isn't cheap. Two, I wouldn't be getting a truck then, which is fine. I'm good with a car. And three..really? A Bronco babe? Really? No. I think we're better off with a nice Honda which at least will last us longer than the Bronco. Broncos are gross looking anyhow. Haha.

Applications.

I feel I'm getting an addiction for blogging. That could be unhealthy. I'd like to just say, job applications suck. Like really suck. I hate them. They take too long and then you make the effort to finish them and for what? To not get the job? NOT COOL.
I miss my baby): JohnathanAdamSilva, you need to come home.

I procastinate, I'm sorry.

I'm a fatty and I need to go running. YEAH, I just said fatty. I've gained weight. That's just ridiculous. John's going to think I'm hideous..I suck.

Day 24.

Yeah so John called me early Sunday morning (like 5:30am my time). He's got guard shifts now from 8pm-12am so I can assumed that he will call in the morning from now on, although he never ceases to surprise me. I get calls at random hours. He called this morning of course to say he loved me but I was in Chemistry and needed to go back. Haha. John reads my blogs and as you can imagine he read the last post I had where everything was really kinda crappy. He reassured me that nothing was going to change in a year and that he will always love me. Of course you know, this made me feel amazing. I love John with all my heart and it makes me feel wonderful knowing he feels the same way. I can't wait for him to be home(:

My worst fear.

Pondering my thoughts today that a year in reality is a very long time..and a lot can change. What if in a year's time..what if he doesn't love me the same, doesn't feel the same? I would be utterly broken):
I miss my baby..so, so very much. And I love him. I just hope he misses me and loves me as much as I love and miss him.

A day of remembrance.

As many of you are well aware, today is September 11th, a day of sorrow and sadness in the United States. It was just eight years ago that the two twin towers were struck in New York by terrorists. Well over 2,000 civilians and emergency personnel lost there lives that day. The news is flooded with the news of the attacks. There is a range of stories based on it. From remembering the tragedy to how to teach your kids? I believe everyone needs to remember. They need to remember why we are where we are and the respect needs to be shown to the troops serving. Not many do so. I have several friends serving as of now, one of which is a close friend of my mother's. And after the attacks he immediately joined the war surge. A close friend of my own served during the first surge of Operation Iraqi Freedom and is still currently serving now. He's done two tours to Iraq, his third, Afghanistan (presumed) may be next March.
Also there is still a debate going as to whether or not more troops will be sent to Afghanistan. What I believe is likely to happen, is soldiers whose deployments are for Iraq, will be changed to Afghanistan and those who come back from Iraq can expect their next tours to be to Afghanistan as well.
I haven't heard from John too much. Today was when they were supposed to be moving. I heard from him Wednesday in the morning..it was a 22 second phone call. Enough to tell me he had to go and that he loved me. Uhh. I miss that boy. Things have been relatively fine though. Still no word on whether or not he's got his leave or not and I don't expect to find out anytime soon. I'll be able to send John's letters out next week. So that'll be great. I still have a few to finish up. I also need to start figuring out care packages. It takes about a months time to get mail. So food would have to be non-perishable.
Not much else to say other than, remember the fallen and support the troops. Without them, we would not be possible.

2:35am

So I've heard from John on a seemingly more regular basis. I'm not exactly sure how long that will last after the 11th though. He sent me a message at 2:35 in the morning! I was sleeping:/ but he's the only person I would never mind being woken up by although I wished it would have been personally and not through a text message. But, we can't have what we want all the time. I still need to finish up some letters to send after the 11th. My mom will probably be working on a care package soon..which reminds me. I need to take some pictures((: Few more months till December! I'm so excited. I can't wait for him to be here.

Day 16.

So yesterday on my way to Roseville to help my good friend move back to Gridley I got a phone call from John(: indeed my excitement level hit the roof. Although I had a scare. The call cut out right when I answered and I literally BEGGED to my phone, "PLEASE CALL BACK." And he did. YEAH(:

Alright so the 11th is still on for moving and we're working on calling options. So far our option is Spawar. Although 80 cents a minute seems a little pricey to me, but it's much better than certain options which can range from $1.40 to $2.70 (per minute). We talked about an hour or so..god you never know how much you miss someone until your conversation starts to sound like they used to. And then of course you realize: but wait, he's in Iraq. Not Fort Bragg, NC.
He said he'd try to call today but I didn't get anything. I'm not actually upset about it though. I believe that good hour of talk we got in yesterday helped. And I'm sure some of you are curious as to what John looks like (and if he ever looks at my blog again haha, he might get mad) here's a picture:
Aww, look at that(: man I love that boy. He just needs to come home soon. And if he gets his leave during Christmas he should be here for 15 days starting the 20th of December. I'm debating on whether or not I wanna go camping, and I believe I do. We have a few options but it seems the girl's boys might be home from deployments at about the same time so we've talked about going to the coast for a few days. And I don't know about you, but the coast is beautiful in the winter time.

As you can imagine.

Things were going well. I talked to John earlier through messenger and he's doing fun, although I missed his call today): DAMN. I still haven't gotten much word as to whether not the 11th's plans are in full scale yet. John and I have been together 5 months today. And we've got a hell of a lot more to go! If you're watching the news, there may be another 28,000 troops sent to Afghanistan. Maybe even some will head to Iraq as well. Not much is going on, tomorrow's my day off. I may go check out a few horses, but with a loss of hours at work it seems unlikely I will be acquiring one now. Not only that but the winter months are coming up. Not much time to ride after that. I guess I'm doing relatively well. Something a friend said earlier struck me as, well, sensible. "When they leave on deployment, it's kinda sad. But what's sadder is you get used to them being gone." And it's so true.

YES!

Aww, I got a call from John today(: I talked to him the day before on messenger. He put in for his midtour leave. If it goes through, he'll be home for Christmas! Yay(: I'm so relieved. Seems he may be moving around on the 11th but that could change. It may be a few months before I even get an address to send him care packages or letter:/ bummer! I hope it doesn't take that long because I'd like to send him some holiday packages. Ohhh I can't wait till Christmas! School's going well aside from having three hours of Chemistry lab twice a week:/ it sucks. But everything is going good(:

I love that kid.

So I finally got a call today(: I have never been so relieved and happy at the same time. You never realize how much you miss someone until you hear their voice on the other end of the phone. I love him so much..honestly can say that I wanna spend the rest of my life with him. It's going to be a long year but I'm lucky I have wonderful friends and a school year to pursue to keep me busy. He's in Iraq, but he doesn't know if it's going to be a permanent camp or not. Probably find out in a couple of weeks. But, I'm going to go work on a few letters for him.

Day five.

I'm trying my best to hang in there but I'm feeling a bit of a depression creeping in. It's been five days now since I've had a call from him. I don't even know how I dealt with JRTC. I miss him so much and I'm starting to feel some irritation and annoyance. He sent me a message on MySpace saying he would call later that day..and well, let's just say that didn't happen. I've all but given up. I don't expect a phone call tonight..maybe not even tomorrow. I guess this is just how it goes. And I'm not ok with it but I know it's not his fault. I would die to hear his voice right now.

Three damn days.

WTF. EFF MY LIFE.
It's been three days. I'm going insane.
Babe..call me):

This could be described.

So I guess today is day one. He left for Iraq about 3:30am EST. That's 12:30 my time. He called me about 2:50am PST to tell me he loved me and that he was in layover from Maine to Germany. Needless to say I was very tired at the time. I know I've said before that this isn't easy. But I feel ok right now. I just don't when I get on the phone with him. That's why I stress to stay busy because if I just sit and do nothing but think about him, I cry and I don't want to keep doing that.
I got a call this morning about 11am my time from him. He was in Germany and had a few mins to call. Two hour layover and then he'd be on his way to Iraq. That made my stomach sink a little.
This is reality.
There isn't any other way to describe it other than regardless of how I feel about it, it's going to happen and I have to just find a way to deal with it. So tonight I'm having a little pity party with a few friends who's boyfriend's are already deployed and then Friday..I'm getting back to reality. Back to myself. I know that if I keep dwelling on this that I'm just going to go into a depression and with school around the corner, I cannot afford to have a lack of concentration.
My advice for others dealing with this? Focus on your life and try not to dwell on deployment.

This is how it feels.

So, today marks near day one. He's supposed to leave for Iraq anywhere between 12-1:30 PST time (he's EST). I never thought it would hit me so hard to have our last phone call. That it's indefinite the next time I will speak to him. That I will never ever be able to call him or text him. I knew this wasn't going to be easy but I can't even describe this feeling I have in my stomach. It's just sick and vile and I know that I will never grow used to it.
Maybe in a months time, things will not be so bad, he'll be more settled and I'll be able to talk to him more regularly but right now I can only find myself thinking about tonight, tomorrow and the next few days. It doesn't seem so long but when you grow used to talking to someone on a daily basis at all times..when that is broken, it is the worst thing to feel.
I know I told you all that as it grew closer I found myself searching "How to deal with deployment?" And I'm telling you, it's a good idea to if you're a first-timer. I can't have all the answers by any means. I will tell you this: I feel like holing up in my room and crying my eyes out. I have little desire to do anything but think about him. But I know after Thursday I need to begin to focus on other things to keep me busy. I will make these key points:

• Friends and family are key. I cannot stress this more and it also helps to have friends or family around you who know exactly what you're going through. I'm blessed to have two who are experiencing the same situation.
• If you go to school, focus. It helps.
• If you work, get as many hours as you can, but please don't overdo. Just enjoy your work as busy time to keep your mind busy.
  

There are endless possibilities as to what you can do, don't limit yourself and don't be afraid to think about him/her. I know for a fact that this is hard, I've been told and now I'm going through it but I cannot tell you how much it is worth it in the end.

Drinking.

I have a very specific reason why I HATE when he drinks but I wont go into detail. And yeah, it's his last days here but it doesn't mean I have to approve of him drinking, EVER. I try to not be disappointed and irritated but after that last time it's hard. And this sick feeling is beginning to creep up on me.
It's horrible, it's hideous and I hate it.
It makes my chest hurt. My stomach ache. And I feel a serious depression. I wanna cry. Oh wait, I already have..and he's not even gone yet. It's just not fair..really it's not but yet I have to acknowledge the fact that I can't do anything and neither can he. It hurts to have him go. But to be optimistic, the faster he leaves, the faster he comes home. I still don't understand this, how to deal with it..There are times when I don't want to talk to him and at the same time I do. Because I love him but I just get so morbidly sad that it's not fair for him to talk to me this way.
Like right now for instance. I'm in this sick mood and part of me wants to just not even bother for conversation..because all I want to do is hole up in a blanket and cry.
But I'm supposed to be strong. And he may not think I need to be at this point, but everything in me says I should. Because he shouldn't have to see me this way..ever. It's not fair.
Not fair.
Not fair.
Not fair.
FML.

Mm. Change.

So it seems his deployment has changed to the 20th. It hasn't hit me entirely yet that he's leaving. I'm pretty sure it will that final phone call we have where I will undoubtedly cry my eyes out begging him not to go. And of course..he will feel like ABSOLUTE CRAP. FML. Yeah..this definitely is going to suck. I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself. I'm so used to constant contact. Those days after when I don't know when I'll talk to him..I mean what the hell am I supposed to do? Nobody prepares you for this kind of stuff. I found a song I haven't heard in awhile today that entirely explained my feelings for him. Edwin McCain "I Could Not Ask For More" I'm sure you all have heard it. Talented artist. His other song "I'll Be" is great too.

It gets odd when I just look at things and go into a sort of daze where I start thinking about him. Bad enough he's on the other side of the States. Worse off he'll be on an entirely different continent by weeks end. I guess what makes that harder is communication. It wont be all day..all the time. It'll be whenever he's allowed and has time. Then there's the fact that no..he can't come home when he would like. I mean, no, he can't when he'd like right now but at least he's closer. I don't even possibly know how to explain that. 2800 miles is hard enough. Now add an entire ocean and then some.
This is horrible.

5 days.

Working downtown has its perks, get to meet a lot of people from your town. They tend to come in saying, "Hi, my name is _______." Then I tell them my name and their prompt response is what's your last name? When I respond...they assume I'm related to his family and that family...yeah definitely not. I wasn't even born here.
But of course where there are perks, there are downfalls. Where I'm from, the town is small. Less than six thousand people. And we're sandwiched in between two 50,000+ population cities as well as an hour from the capital. not many know about our town...in fact when I say I live there, they say "Where??" Yeah, not surprising in the least.
So as you can imagine in our slow economy, not much happens downtown. It's relatively quiet. Code for: boring. I mean yeah, I like the small town setting. It's nice and quiet but to each his own. Working a boring job doesn't help either. 10am-5:30pm every Thursday, With nothing to do but think, eat and hope people walk in and buy overly-priced items. Sometimes I'm lucky and people will come in and browse (maybe buy) or friends will come in and keep me company for a short time. But most days are spent sitting in a chair listening to classical music...thinking.
And here comes the problem: in these fragile last few days before he leaves, thinking and being along is the last thing I want. What seemed surreal and so far away is now at my doorstep pestering for a way in...constantly reminding me that in five days time he'll be on a plane to Iraq. And I'll be home...feeling an all bit lost for a little while. But I guess this is to be expected. I mean I entered into this relationship informed that in a few months time he would be gone for a 12-month tour to Iraq. And I thought about it but not so much as I do now. And the closer it got the more nervous I became.
I found myself doing research. "How do you deal with deployment?" How do you deal with something you will never grow used to? How will you ever prepare yourself? And at such a young age when I'm only just beginning to find myself, I'm approached with a situation that many in their later years can't even fathom. And when people ask and I tell them my boyfriend is in the U.S. Army deploying to Iraq they look at me in such pity and say, "I'm so sorry," like I may just crumple right there about my situation.
What reaction can I give them other than, "I'm proud of what he's doing. I can't wait for him to come home." I don't want to be pitied for a conscious decision I made and stepped into. Don't get me wrong there are nights where I lay awake and break down. And he hasn't even left yet. But this situation isn't easy and I don't expect it to be.